31st May 2009

At some point of your life,you ponder upon all the mistakes that you have done.

All the chain of events that eventually made you you.

And as for me, I do dig up all the paths that I have chosen,

Then I ponder upon the road not taken,

The very reasons for not taking the road not taken,

The very reasons that I’m me.

These events made me me

I didn’t regret a single event that brought me to where I am now.

And the road I took will be a long one

A long,windy road

A doctor once told me, he’s already at the ending checkpoint while I am just only taking the first step to a thousand miles marathon

And I chose to run the journey myself ;no regrets

No matter who caught up with me or who I caught up with during the marathon,

At the end,

It’s just me alone crossing the finishing line

And I know, along the journey, I’ll make new friends, I’ll meet strangers, I’ll meet new competitors and excellent motivators that may or may not  run the distance with me.

But deep down inside, I’m me

I’ll always be me

I may act indifferent toward my family and friends

I may be missing in action for most part of their life

But deep down inside, I’ll still be me

I’m saying this not because I want to give excuses to myself for my absence

I’m saying this because at some point of my life,

I know, and I hope I know,

That everyone that I love and loved would cut me some slacks for my absence once in a while

Once in a while, I’d like to be perceived as a good friend and not an always MIA friend

And I shudder at the thoughts of me running the marathon alone,

I shudder at the thoughts of how I would look at myself through thousands of miles,

Because someday my mistakes could take away precious life,

And I’m not a perfectionist I know.

I act like one but deep down I’m not,

And the day when my mistakes cost someone their life,

I can’t imagine what the amount of self loathing and guilt I would face

I wouldn’t allow myself in that situation now but sometimes life just brings the worst-case scenarios

A breakdown would be inevitable at that time

I hope, at that time, someone will slow down to walk with me,

To regain my motivation, to shift my paradigm towards life and death,

To at least make sure I don’t beat myself up too much over the mistakes I’d do

And I could regain my strength and willpower to continue running to cross the finishing line.

This is to my family and friends,

Who stayed with me and held me tight when I needed them the most

-emo- wuuhuu